I often think of a woman I know of who went shopping shortly after her miscarriage.
She went into a jewelry store and bought a single pearl on a gold chain in remembrance of the one she lost. When the clerk asked her what the occasion was, the sad mother told her and then stood there quietly sobbing in the store, until she was able to recover.
I wish she had someone to go with her that day and hold her hand. A friend who could take over as the necklace was wrapped and put in the bag, and who could’ve given her a hug and led her from the jewelry counter.
That’s the kind of friend we all need to be. No one should feel isolated and alone after a pregnancy loss. But it can be so overwhelming to try and figure out how to be that kind of proactive, helpful friend.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can really say to make your loved one feel better or make the fact that they’ve lost a child any easier on them.
Trying to come up with reasons why it happened or why it’s okay they’ve experienced this loss–such as they can try again or maybe this wasn’t meant to be–will probably result in more hurt.
This is a time to tell them how sorry you are that this has happened to them and let them know you’re there for them.
Many people don’t realize just how devastating a pregnancy loss can be. Most mothers who’ve experienced a miscarriage say they just wanted someone to talk to them and listen to them.
It’s okay to ask them if they want to talk, and if they don’t, a hug or just sitting with them and holding their hand can be what they need.
However, I also think that the grieving mother who looked for a symbol and a recognition of her lost child was very wise. Such heartbreaking losses that are buried and unacknowledged have a tendency to make themselves felt in unhealthy ways and end up causing more pain.
When friends and family want to pretend a pregnancy never happened, this can make the bereaved feel like others think the loss was small and unimportant.
Acknowledge the loss with a gift to show you care, whether that’s something to give comfort while they recover or a remembrance of the child. You can shop miscarriage gifts at Laurelbox, where they’ve created thoughtful gift boxes that are specially designed for pregnancy loss. It can be difficult to know what you can do or give to those who’ve suffered this kind of loss, so their service is a great help. It’s good to know that they’ve carefully thought out and assembled appropriate gifts based on their experience.
Also, after you’ve selected an appropriate gift, continue to show you care. Drop by dinner, offer to run errands, and if your friend wants to plant a garden in remembrance, by all means, help them if they’ll let you.
None of us get through life without getting our hearts broken. It helps to remember that we’re all in this together and we should help each other when we can.
You may also want to read:
There truth about pregnancy after miscarriage