The relationship that matters most to your daughter is the one with her father. Her self-esteem, choices, behavior, character, and ideas about marriage are all directly tied to her dad – the most important representative to her of the male species.
Last year, I began to examine my feelings about father-daughter relationships.
I was raised by my mom and step-dad. My biological father was alive (he lived with my granny). I would see him every weekend, but we never spent any time together. How ironic. I spent the entire weekend with my granny. So, I never had any experience as daddy’s little girl.
Those feelings of confusion, hurt, and anger are just starting to bubble up to the surface as I have the bittersweet pleasure of seeing the phenomenal relationship my husband has with our daughter. It’s more than I could have ever asked for – and if I had to choose which one of us would have this experience, it would definitely be her.
I forgive my dad – he did the best he could with what he had (and didn’t have).
Knowing that I cannot change the past, I wanted to read a highly recommended book to evaluate how our family is doing.
What Daughters Need from Dads (According to Dr. Kevin Leman)
- Focus on the relationship that matters most to her: your daddy-daughter connection.
- Do what you can do, and don’t bemoan what you can’t.
- Get to know your daughter as an individual.
- Live a disciplined, balanced lifestyle yourself.
- Share with her your male perspective.
- Stay steady and calm, in the heat of battle between those of the female gender.
- Keep an eye on your critical eye.
- Remember that your daughter doesn’t need stuff. She needs you.
- Encourage and affirm her.
- Fine-tune your priorities to make the best of the time you have on this earth.
- Be a good dad, not a perfect dad.
Wondering what book I’m talking about?
{affiliate links in this post}
Be the Dad She Needs You to Be: The Indelible Imprint a Father Leaves on His Daughter’s Life by Dr. Kevin Leman
The relationship that matters most to your daughter isn’t the one with her mother—it’s the one with you, Dad. Her self-esteem, choices, behavior, character, and even her ideas about or choice of a marriage partner are all directly tied to you, as the most important representative to her of the male species.
In Be the Dad She Needs You to Be Dr. Kevin Leman, internationally-known psychologist, New York Times best-selling author, and father of four daughters, will show you not only how to get the fathering job done and done well, but also how to:
- Make each daughter feel unique, special, and valued
- Discipline the right way . . . when it’s needed
- Talk turkey about what guys are really thinking
- Keep the critical eye at bay
- Wave the truce flag when females turn your family room into a battleground
- Set your daughter up for life and relational success
Who is This Book For?
- (any) man
- dads
- expecting dads
- married moms
- single moms
- daughters
The author says that “…whether you want to do early research for when you become a daddy someday, you and your wife currently have a bun in the oven and you want to be prepared, or you’re already in the trenches of the daddy-daughter relationship and want to fine-tune it or get it on the right track, this book is for you.”
Moms, this book is also for you. If you’re married, there’s nothing that makes a woman melt more than seeing her husband be a good daddy.
The book begins with an often underestimated, but powerfully true intro: “You don’t talk to girls the way you talk to boys.”
Chapter One: The Relationship That Matters Most
Dads teach daughters what a male is all about. How Dad treats Mom shows a girl what to expect in a relationship with a man. “If Dad is a loving, steady, balanced man in his approach with his daughter, she will have a sense of security, love, and trust in her relationships with men.”
Chapter Two: Dads Do It Better Different, Chapter Three: Know Your Duckling, and Chapter Four: Walking the Balance Beam
Dr. Leman points out gender differences – the male qualities that make up Dad. He urges dads to know your child individually and to be even tempered.
Chapter Five: The Birds, the Bees, and “the Talk” and Chapter Six: Help! Civil Wat Just Broke Out in the Family Room
Dads can tell daughters what boys really think and reinforce correct values and behaviors. They help daughters learn how to communicate their wants and needs. This was particularly insightful.
As moms, we don’t realize how much we DO for our children…often things they can do for themselves. We interpret what they think, feel, want, and need. When our daughters don’t communicate clearly, it puts a strain on the communication.
“But because Mama was so adept at anticipating her daughter’s desires, your daughter may not learn how to communicate her needs effectively without her. When a father interacts with his baby, his daughter is forced to learn how to communicate in different ways so others can understand.”
This may be the single-handed key to making it through your daughter’s adolescence!
Chapter Seven: The Critical Eye, Chapter Eight: A Cake Without Sugar, Chapter Nine: Are You a Man or a Mouse? Squeak Up!, and Chapter Ten: If You See a Turtle on a Fencepost…
Dr. Leman says:
- Love her unconditionally and affirm her.
- Set aside regular time to connect with your daughter one-on-one.
- Teach her about real life events – involving men.
- Give her a break and affirm her (have a good attitude if you fail).
Chapter Eleven: Time is Tickin’
In the final chapter, you would expect his advice to dads of grown daughters to be minimal. However, he gives a key tips: keep your connection with your daughter during college and marriage through the hobbies you shared. This could be a shared love of sports, movies, or music. You get the drift.
Book includes:
-quick reference guide
-ABCs of a Good Dad
-additional resources
John Mayer’s song “Daughters” sums it up:
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
