All children are different. Every child is unique and so is our relationship with them. But some things are contraindicated when dealing with any child, without exception. There are things that parents are not allowed to do.
Mistake #1: Trying to be perfect
There is no need to try to be flawless. Be good enough, and be true to yourself and your set line of behavior. British pediatrician and child psychoanalyst Donald Woods Winnicott has an idea about the ‘good enough mother’. What is the difference between a “good enough mother” and an ideal mother?
- “A good enough mother” is attentive to her baby’s wishes, tries to do what she can to make him feel good, and feels what he needs at that moment. When it comes to babies, they don’t need too much or too little care. Every child needs a response that is made to their measure, not because it is described even in the best books.
- “A good enough mother” does not seek to meet the child’s needs immediately and in all circumstances, she does not indulge her child in everything. Such a mother does not serve the child, but loves him, communicates with him, and at the same time does not forget about herself, her affairs and aspirations, and other family members. She can gradually reduce the level of care, to allow pauses between the cry of the baby and her response, knowing that from a certain stage it is necessary for its development.
When we don’t strive to be the perfect mum but accept the idea of “good enough mum”, stress levels are reduced and we feel freer. What is more, if you need more information for your dissertation or research paper on this topic, you can contact a high-class paper writer, who can exactly cope with this task. The service provides not only high-quality academic papers but creative thinking and presentations. The opportunity of using the best essay writing service Reddit gives customers the assurance of getting any academic paper of any complexity. Now let’s go on to the second mistake.
Mistake #2: Only take care of the baby and have no business.
Give your child only the first year of life. In this year, everything is built: intellectual capacity, resilience, and ability to communicate. This is the time when you need a sensitive and loving mother to help your child develop and trust in the world. In the first year, we give the child a reserve of strength for life.
Find opportunities to live their lives. Babies need a mother they can look up to. Not just the overworked lady who walks around whining that everything is boring, but a successful, self-careful, curious woman. Then your grown-up children will be happy to talk to you. Often we hear: “Today’s children don’t need an authority figure”. This is not true. They are growing and developing, which means they require someone to follow, from whom to follow an example and ask for advice when they don’t know how to act.
Mistake #3: Trying to keep up with everything
There are so many demands on mums these days: they need to have a decent job, keep up with the latest in culture, socialize with friends, keep fit, be admired – in short, be on trend. And still, be good parents. Trying to do everything at once makes it easy to burn out because you can’t do everything. As a result, here is the constant guilt, fatigue, and irritability. How do you love a child when you have no time and no energy? Make your love for your child effective. It’s not about the amount of time spent on the child but about the quality of your communication.
- There is no need for “all-consuming” care. A parent’s job is to make sure that the child learns to take care of himself/herself: collect his/her bag, iron his/her clothes for the morning, and prepare a simple meal. In this way, we will not raise an infantile, but a self-confident and determined person. It is important not to be with your child minute by minute, but to give him or her some time, the main thing is to make the child feel that this time belongs only to him or her. The remaining time can be spent on yourself, your development, your work, and your interests. ⠀
- Responsibility – yes, but not hyper-protection. Sometimes mothers go everywhere with their children and make them feel uncomfortable. You have to find a middle ground to keep your finger on the pulse and let it go if the situation allows.
- Respect the child. Don’t shout, don’t humiliate, and communicate calmly and as equals without trying to impose your opinion, and bend to your will, cooperating rather than manipulating.
- Trust your child. Many parents want to know everything about their children: they read their child’s private correspondence or eavesdrop on phone conversations, and then are horrified by their content and style. My first question to such parents is: “Why did you go there?” Parents only need to know what is necessary: whether a child is good or bad or why. We need to get to the bottom of what’s going on, not blindly control it. Then we will have time for ourselves.
So, to love your child when you don’t have time and energy, you just have to follow 4 rules. They are all interrelated: Responsibility implies care and respect, and respect implies knowledge.
Mistake #4: Devoting your life to your children
You should never devote your life to anyone. Not to a man or a child at all. This is bad not only for you but also for the person to whom you have dedicated that life. You’re putting an impossible burden on his shoulders, it’s just not fair to the other person, much less the child.
Devote your life to yourself. Then your children, looking at you will see a model of life that they should live by. This is better than any educational activity.
Do not demand gratitude. Don’t reproach your children for having to give something up for them. The phrases: “I’ve devoted my whole life to you” and “If I hadn’t given birth to you, I would have been (insert needed) already” are awful.
A happy and calm mother can give her baby the most important things it needs, especially in the first months of life – peace of mind, a sense of security, closeness, attention, and love. The ideal? The ideal is unattainable.
Phrases you shouldn’t say to your child
Sometimes we automatically say something to our children without thinking about the frequently used phrases in the family. These phrases are passed on from generation to generation, falling from their lips easily and imperceptibly, and often cause serious harm to the formation of the child’s personality. And the phrase may look harmless at first glance, but still … It’s best not to repeat it.
Why can’t you be like…?
Such comparisons to a sister, brother, neighbor’s child, or someone else are dangerous not only because they can create long-term resentment and jealousy, but also because they can provoke a negative reaction, a reluctance to do what you want your child to do. It’s better to give your child some pieces of advice, on how to become the person, other people want to be like. For example, you can help with education, and by using the best college essay writing service, your child definitely improves his school marks. Or if your child wants to draw, you can enroll him in painting courses, and so on.
Good for you!
What could be wrong with this common rejoinder of encouragement? However, psychologists say that when the same phrase is used frequently as praise, it becomes impersonal, and devalued. A child begins to perceive it as a kind of mechanical response and subconsciously ceases to give it any meaning. That is, the mechanically said “well done” equals in her perception a total lack of any praise. So even praise the child better every time in a different way, not using the same expressions.